During opening ceremony her maj parachuted in
Then looked bored at the athletes who'll try to win
Great Britain entered last in outfits screaming chav
Day one expectation punctured, no gold for Cav.

Day two brought medals from a bike and the pool
Silver and bronze but Britannia has yet to rule
Rain fell on supposedly "sold out" empty seats
Vitriol was poured on "multicultural crap" tweets.

Day three brought forth an unexpected dream
Triumphant bronze for the men's gymnastic team.
And this time humour the source of a tweet
"I feel nothing but emptiness" opined @OlympicSeat.

Day four's cloud given a silver lining
By the riders and the horses they were riding
The greatest of them all set an example if that helps
Britain outmedalled by gold from Michael Phelps.

Day five brought the Midas touch for rowers Helen and Heather
Then Wiggins out-Olympianed Steve going hell for leather
Also staged? comedy gold on a zipwire from London's mayor
BoJo suspended, waving flags on a wing and a prayer.

Day six triple gold from canoe, cycle and shooting
Now fifth in the table a year on from looting
Speaking of five, Redgrave now passed by Hoy
Though to Phelps reaching sixteen, Chris is a boy!

Day seven three more British golds from the bikes and a boat
But Adlington falls unexpectedly to a teenager in the moat
Resisting the poster girl pressure Ennis leads after day one
Phelps seventeenth gold reinforcing he is second to none.

Day grEight six British golds; two rowing, one bike and three track and field
Mo and Jess fulfil expectation but the long jump an unexpected yield
Is that Dougie Howser or Greg Rutherford leaping to glory
Phelps's eighteenth and final gold an even more remarkable story.

Day nine in sailing Ainslie gets his fourth in a row
In the tennis Murray finally deals Federer a blow
In the 400 hurdles Stambalova stumbles over, 400 flat Pistorius bows out
With Colin Jackson shouting "Here comes whatsisname!" the 100 is won inevitably by Bolt.

Day 10 oh Feck! Stephan's dive ends with him flat on his back
Okoye qualifies after a discus comedy throw (distance it did lack)
Grenada gets it's first ever Olympic gold in the 400 flat courtesy of Kirani James
Through team show jumping and men's cycle sprint Britain asserts sedentary superiority in these games.

Day 11 Makhloufi, who couldn't be bothered in the 800
Disqualified then reinstated to win the 1500
Pendleton retires in arrears to Mears but we experience the Hoy of Six
There's also team dressage, a Trott and triathlon joy to throw into the mix.

Day 12 jubilation punctured, no medals to celebrate
We the public have financed this, Britain ingrate
Tax payers punished before, during and after, never had it so rough
Tax avoiders front and centre, gorging at the trough.

Day 13 British women kickstart more golds in dressage, boxing and taekwondo
But it is Rudisha's 800m world record that will stand out for Sebastian Coe
Usain noticed too, ignoring the BBC interviewer to give Kenya's anthem respect
This after completing the sprint double double; to Bolt we should genuflect.

Day 14 USA 4 x 100 women go faster than anyone before
Whilst Britain's men predictably drop the relay baton on the floor
The Bahamas shock the US men in 4 x 400 stunner
South Africa's team are anchored by Blade Runner.

Day 15 Farah adds 5k to 10k gold, roared home by the crowd
Usain anchors Jamaica's 4 x 100 relay to a new world record
In football Brazil were surprisingly beaten by Mexico
But today will be remembered as "The Mo and Bolt Show".

Day 16 Kiprotich from Uganda unexpectedly wins the men's marathon
A final silver from Sam Murray for Britain in the modern pentathlon
So GBs medal total is 65, the former age to draw a pension
The closing ceremony brings us down to earth, barely worth a mention.